Take a moment to step back, take the time to let your inner child feel the magic, you stop and really think about the global power Tim Cook has to reach out and change people’s lives through a few sheets of glass and silicon… then you can see how Apple has made everything better.
And if you can’t see that, here are twenty-one ways to help you get started.
A League Of Their Own
There is not enough James Corden outside of the United State, so Tim Cook has decided to help continue his master plan to take over the entertainment world. First the UK sitcom scene, then the Tonys, now late-night talk shows. Next up for Corden? Finding something that Apple TV is good for.
Apple Is Bigger Than The Olympics
Akami declared the launch event was the largest peak video traffic event in its history. Given that Akami also handled the video streams for the Olympics, that makes Apple bigger than the biggest sporting event on the planet, right?
Teaching The Public About Politics
Forget buses with slogans, posters of refugees at a border crossing, if you want to show the financial impact of the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union and the resulting currency devaluation, show the UK’s geekerati the £100 price rise from the iPhone 6S Plus to the iPhone 7 Plus… while US prices remain constant.
The Answer Lies in The Past
If you want to know what revolutionary changes Apple is going to make to its software in the future, check out some of Google’s older keynotes. It predicted the inclusion of real-time editing in iWork, and I’m sure that clues for the iPhone 8 are going to be in the old Nexus presentations.
Apple will now promote your game before it is released at the very top of the Apple Store. Even though it might appear on Android shortly after the release on iOS, that’s okay. For the moment this only applies if your app is about an Italian plumber who can’t stop running and saving Princesses, but I’m sure this will be extended to everyone in the near future.
Redefining Console Level Gaming
Apple announced the new iPhone chips will offer console level gaming. I’m trying to work out which console Apple meant. The consoles that were ‘new’ during Phil Schiller’s time on stage, the consoles that were ‘new’ in the hour after the event when Sony announced the PlayStation Pro, or an old battered Atari 2600?
Never Let A Name Go To Waste
Apple is very strong on environmental issues, so it’s nice to see that the Fusion brand from all of the older spinning Fusion drives has been recycled into the A10 Fusion system on chip. There’s no point wasting a perfectly good name, so there’s hope for an iPad Newton yet!
Dongles Will Never Be Sexy
Nobody can design a sexy dongle. If Blue Peter badge winner Jony Ive can’t make a lightning to 3.5mm jack plug into something sexy and stylish, nobody can.
Redefining Leisure Time
Much of the twentieth century was spent trying to pair up socks because you would only lose one sock at a time. Much of the twenty-first century will be spent looking for just one of your Airpods, because nobody is ever going to lose both at the same time.
Audio Is All About The Thickness
The headphone jack is gone, so you can have more room inside your phone for chips, batteries, and easier waterproofing. If it was me I would have made the iPhone one millimetre thicker and packed in all those benefits instead of forcing every manufacturer to sign up to the ‘Made for iPhone’ licensing program to buy the rights to a lightning connector for their peripheral-
Ed Balls is no longer the world’s greatest Twitter blunder. Ed Balls Day has been surpassed in impact by whoever handle’s the @apple twitter account. For a few tweets that were public for less than five minutes, they sure had a huge impact.
A World Without Pink
Pink remains a banned word in Cupertino. It’s called Rose Gold and you must never, ever, call it the ‘p’ word… because that color no longer exists.
Everyone Knows About Wide Color Gamut
…because if it was a weird technical term that only a few people know about, Apple would have told us what it was on stage. Bokeh was explained, so I guess I must be the only person not in the know about WCG.
Inhale and Exhale
With the new WatchOS software, the Apple Watch is able to teach us all how to breathe properly. You might think you’ve been doing pretty well up until now, but that’s nothing compared to the technique your smartwatch has to help you gather oxygen from the world.
Snorlaxs do exist in the wild, there’s one in the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. If you are quick, you can catch it with your Apple Watch.
Nike Apple Watch, Meet HP iPod
What the Apple Watch really needs to make it sell is a new branded version from a sports-orientated company, and Tim Cook has chosen Nike. The last time Nike partnered this closely with a mobile manufacturer was Nokia. I have a good feeling this can be just as successful.
This iPhone Goes To Eleven
Apple has erased ‘Spinal Tap’ from the collective minds of Apple fans. It’s the only explanation for allowing two colours of black to be showcased on stage without anyone saying “how much more black could this be?”
An Easy Way For The FBI To Bypass TouchID
The new shiny black color does have one advantage – if the FBI ever need to get into a TouchID locked handset, it should be able to lift a clear fingerprint from the mirror-like finish.
A New Dictionary
There is a new definition of ‘courage’. Presumably “removing a universal open port and forcing everything through our proprietary standard (commercial licence available)” now sits alongside “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.”
Apple’s New Matra Is Good Enough
Grandpa Simpson remembers the days when a projector that couldn’t quite get the color right in a presentation would be replaced by a new projector that could. Nowadays ‘good enough’ will do for an Apple keynote. And if it’s good enough for Apple, then it’s good enough for everyone else. Stop aiming so high with your life goals and let Tim Cook apologise for your poor performance.
“Nothing proves performance like 400 flying monkeys!”